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Musings of a Girl

enter the depths of my mind


October 22nd, 2009

So I have this journal @ 12:04 pm

Current Location: Somerville, MA
Feeling:: calm calm

...I should actually write in my LJ more often, instead of once every 3-4 months.

Anyway. So, I finally have a job. Ready for this? I'm working at Rite Aid... There's a far reach for me. I'm not positive, but I should be getting $9/hr (maybe 8.50, I don't think my manager knows yet, but he was trying for 9), working 35hrs a week. So I'll actually have some money again soon. I work M-F from 9 to 4:30, lunch unpaid. Thing is, all I pretty much do is work at the first register. I don't get to face the store, don't get to do much of anything but make sure my immediate area is neat and faced. Coming from my old store, well, this completely bores me. Ah well, money is money I guess. At least the people are nice.

I'll be able to finally get more memory for my computers, and perhaps be able to run things a little better. My laptop has 1GB (though its reading at 896MB what?). and my desktop has 1.5GB. I plan on grabbing a 2GB stick for both.

speaking of computers. I've been playing a lot of Lord of the Rings Online lately. It's been a lot of fun, and things in this game really blow me away. The graphics look absolutely amazing- sometimes I have to stop leveling to turn my graphics all the way up to admire them. I've been playing with a group of WoW friends, which has been really nice too. Even though none of us are the same level right now sadly. The new expansion comes out soon though, and we plan on going through it together. I play a minstrel. So much fun. Its kind of funny, seeing me play the main healer though. I suppose the next MMO I play, I need to roll a tank as my main. So then...I'll have covered every archetype.

I still play WoW, though its mostly for the raiding right now. There isn't much else to do. We're in the middle of a really bad patch, so I haven't really had reason to log in otherwise. The next patch is Icecrown Citadel, where we'll finally get to fight Arthas, which excites me. After that is Cataclysm. I plan on going into the next expansion no matter what, even though a lot of my friends aren't, which really bums me out. Ah well, can't expect people to play the same game for forever.

On Monday, Ryan and I celebrate our 5 year anniversary. Yeah, scary huh? I'm not sure what we're doing, probably just going out to dinner somewhere after I get home from work. But I can't believe its been 5 years already... soon he'll be out of school, and we'll be back in NH too. It will be nice, I hope.

Next week is Halloween. I don't know what I'm dressing up as yet. Fail.
 

August 19th, 2009

Camp and other news @ 06:31 pm

Feeling:: anxious anxious

So. Camp. It already feels so surreal. Maybe it was a dream. An amazing dream where I was under control of my diabetes for three weeks. Where I was doing far more than sitting on my ass all day, and where I got to be around kids constantly, when normally I hardly see them. I felt good about myself for doing so much for so many children, and for taking care of myself for once in the proccess. Even though I didn't sleep much during the three week period, it was completley worth it.

I recconnected with a lot of old friends that have diabetes, just like myself. It's helped me feel like I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one frustrated with my disease. I've added about 30 people in the past few days on my facebook- some of them friended me just because they saw me pop up on other friend's lists and went "I havent talked to you in YEARS!" It made me feel really good, honestly, being remembered by people after so long...

So many experiences while at camp, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I've told Ryan and my mother a lot of stories in particular, and will happily chime in a story or two where appropriate with anyone else. Camp was an amazing experience for me, and I feel so much better about wanting to go into a profession involving children than I did before. I learned more about myself as a teacher, and an authorative figure, than I have been able to since I left college four years ago. I'm looking forward to going back to camp next year. Unfortunatley, I'm going to have to miss Otakon for the first time since Ryan and I started going there together...but I feel like its a worthwhile tradeoff. I had forgotten how much of an impact camp had on my life as a kid/teenager. And now that I'm back in the loop, I think it's important that I go back. Its good for me to be able to step away from the real world for a few weeks. Other than feeling slightly homesick, I had no anxious feelings while I was there...

Now that I'm back home, Im feeling stressed out again. I came home to some really shitty news, and news of a friend suddenly passing away (causes are unknown at this time). I also came home to a list of about 3 million things I need to get done, and nearly no time to do it. Today in particular, everything has hit me hardcore, and now I just feel anxious and stressed and depressed all over again...Its hard to take things one at a time where there is SO much to do...I'm not even going to be home until tomorrow, and then I have a mile long list of things already scheduled for me. Its more than slightly stressful. We have to come BACK UP to NH next Thursday too, and honestly, I just don't want to. But I don't have a lot of choice in the matter.

I just want to go back to camp, where I don't have to think about life. Only, I want to bring a few people with me, so maybe I can elminate the homesick feelings while Im there D:
 

July 21st, 2009

Five Days @ 06:46 pm

Feeling:: nervous nervous

Five days from now, I'll be sitting around with about 40 other people like me. We'll likely be talking about ourselves- how long we've had diabetes, our lifestyles, our friends, our families, our love lives...Some of them I'll already know and remember, but most of them will be complete strangers to me. Its been eight years since I've been put into any sort of situation like this. It's been a good eight months since I've had much interaction with strangers outside of people in a virtual world.

I don't think thats the part that scares me though. The part I'm nervous about is being in a place that I haven't been to since I was 16. I was a very different person back then. I hope I can adapt to this place that was once considered a second home to me.. Three weeks living an entirely backwards life from what I've had for many years. While I've always been a huge gamer..the past three or four years in particular have been filled with life on the internet. I'll only be away for three weeks. But I imagine it'll be strange for me to not see the glow from the computer screen after a long day of running around and being active.

Since I lost my job, I spend most of my days on the computer. Gaming. Job Searching. Chatting with friends. The few friends I have around here, I usually see every so often, but some days, the only human interactions I get face to face are with Ryan. Unless you count the cat. Its something I never really thought about until a few days ago when I was at Otakon. I don't think I'll have issues with human interaction per say..I'm just worried that I won't be as...social as I used to be. I'm going to be a counselor for approximatley 120, and working with about 50 staff members. I'm nervous that I'll end up being shy and different than others. I'm afraid I might become the outcast. I just don't want to be considered the "weird one" or whatever. I actually want to just be like everyone else, for once.

Is that so strange? I mean, I don't want to compromise who I am in order to blend in with the others or anything..I'm proud to be a little strange, to be the girl gamer, to be into anime and internet life. But I'm usually with other people that live a similar lifestyle to me. This is going to be different. How do I make sure I stay true to myself without becoming the different one of the crowd? And does is make me the weird one for even worrying about something like this?
 

June 15th, 2009

Can't Sleep... @ 06:15 am

Feeling:: restless restless

I don't get it. No matter how hard I try to fix my sleeping schedule, it just gets messed up all over again...its now 6am, and after several hours of lying in bed, tossing and turning..I just couldn't fall asleep..

Too much on my mind perhaps? There's been some crap bugging me lately, so I guess thats what could be contributing to this. I tend to think about everything and anything when my head hits the pillow, and I wish I knew how to shut my brain up...insecurities creep up on me, small little things bother me and wrack my brain...

I was thinking about heading out to a yoga class later on today (4pm), but I'm not so sure I'll have the energy by then...I found a place that does $5 community yoga classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays..I'm thinking about checking one out- I suppose I could try again on Wednesday, since I have other shit to do today...

I think exercise is something that could help me sleep better at night- but its impossible to find something going on that I enjoy during the day. And really, I'm far too poor to be joining a gym (especially if I have to take public transportation to get to it...). Running around the neighborhood is out for me, since I don't feel comfortable doing that in my neighborhood...not to mention the not being able to carry much with me in that sort of situation...and I kind of need to be able to get sugar into me should my blood sugar go low during exercise..

I used to play volleyball prettymuch year round when I was in high school. I was part of my school's team, a Junior Olympics league (typically ran winter-spring), and usually 1-2 summer leagues. Not to mention that I also did track and field during the spring season, and Nordic Skied during the winter season. So I used to exercise 5-6 days a week. Once college hit, it was down to 2-3 days a week, when I could fit it in between my busy school schedule. Though having to run around campus in order to make 10 classes, 3 vocal groups, Pride meetings (I was VP and then President, so there was plenty to do!), MENC meetings, and later on, RA duties, could probably count as exercise... I still made an attempt to join the inter mural volleyball team, and hit their gym every so often.

Now? I sit around all day, doing nothing. My DDR games were stolen, our arcade was torn down so I can't even walk over there to play...I have no job, I have hardly any money to go out too often...no bike, nothing. I've been incredibly bored with everything lately...I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to exercise. I want to be able to sleep better... I want to stop feeling so goddamn bored...

Though in other, unrelated, news, I played my first night of D&D 4th Edition this evening, and it was actually a *lot* of fun. I'm looking forward to continuing with this campaign, with any luck.
 

May 5th, 2009

Monotony @ 12:15 am

So, I got a call from my camp director the other day- and barring that my paperwork checks out when I get it and fill it out, I'll be going to camp this summer. July 26-August 15, I believe. I'm excited- three weeks away from the monotonous life I've had over the past two years. I'll be away from technology (probably something I need right now), and with 150 people who deal with Diabetes on a daily basis like myself. I'll be spending three weeks having active, busy 14 hour days. Getting exercise. Being on a meal plan and being on a schedule. With any luck, these few weeks will help me "reset" my priorities with my disease.

Certainly something I seem to need. My blood sugars have been terrible lately. Running in the 300's most of the time...I know how to fix it, I just dont seem to have a lot of ambition to do much of anything right now. I have no energy half the time...and yet I can't seem to fall asleep before 4am almost every night. I eat probably more than I should, and I wake up at different times everyday. I've fallen into this terrible funk- and all because I have nothing significant going on in my life anymore. I can hardly go outside and just chill, because the only place to do it without spending money is across the street at a children's park. And by the time I get myself ready enough to get out of the house at all, its usually crowded. And I can't get fresh air unless I go outside. We live in a basement apartment with tiny half windows up near the ceiling.

We're going up to NH at some point this week. We don't have a ride up yet, nor do we really know who can bring us up. We have to bring Bagel with us, because we'll be gone for over a week, and our roomates are leaving too. I'm looking forward to being up there...we'll be staying at Ryan's mother's place this time, instead of my mom's. I'm looking forward to actually seeing some of my friends in person, being able to drive everywhere, being able to sit outside whenever I want to...not having to be in this stuffy little apartment. There's at least one cookout planned, another thing we can't do here. Ryan and I both get to see our mom's, and his dad, and my brother too. And I have tentative plans to visit my grandmother for mother's day. Additionally, I'll be working a few hours at Curves. Because its under the table, I don't have to report it. Its not a whole lot of money, but anything is better than nothing at all.

Speaking of work...because I got the camp position, the likelyhood of getting a job before then is slim to none. Because of this economy, no employer is going to like a condition of hire with a month off attatched to it. Thank god I'm on unemployment through October, if I need it for that long. If I don't have a job by October, I may as well not get one at all, since we'll be moving hopefully around the new year. The money I end up making at camp should help tie me over either way, though I'm hoping to at least pick up a temp position *somewhere* when I get back from that.

Overall, I've felt fairly lethargic. I'm hoping my break in NH breaks the monotony a little bit, even if its just for a few weeks. I'm just tired of everything, and tired in general. I need to find something to do during the days when I'm down here. I'd love to take up a class or sport...something active..to get myself and my diabetes better under control. But Boston sucks, and most anything of that sort happens after work hours. Which leaves me screwed over.

I'm just sick of most everything right now.
 

April 15th, 2009

More job stuff @ 12:45 pm

Feeling:: calm calm

Okay okay. Waited until I had a clear mind to post again.

Didn't get the job over April vacation. They filled the position pretty quickly- the woman I had the phone interview with wasn't the only one trying to fill it. Understandable, just sucks, since it would have been nice money and quickly.

My student loan? I'm working on slowly paying the past balance due on it off before the end of the month. I think I've talked them down to $25 payments, which is half of what I originally needed to do with them. It's almost a bearable amount.

Got my first unemployment check yesterday, so that's going alright. The amount they approved me for kind of sucks, but then I realized I should be getting $25 additionally to that amount a week, which should make it *just* enough to cover my bills. At least for now, since Ryan is generous enough to help me along with some of them.

Lots of job applications, no callbacks. Though thats probably for the best, since my phone hasn't been working at home the past few days- thank GOD it started working again last night. I got a call back from my camp director of my diabetes camp. I called her today and set up a phone interview with her- she even remembered me! So, I'm hoping that goes well on Friday.

I'm probably going to head down to Rite Aid in a bit as well, to see if they're hiring. I don't want to be a cashier again, I don't want to have to stand on my feet for hours on end when I've got nerve damage thats seemingly been acting up lately. But I need a job... So I guess I need to be in pain to work.

Just getting off the phone now, a temp agency is going to send my resume along to (funny enough) the Unemployment department. I guess they're looking for a person for a data entry position over there. 6 months to a year for a position, which would be perfect, as far as Ryan and I moving goes.

But...I won't get my hopes up. I've been getting excited over any sort of callback, and at this point, its going to take more than that for a position.
 

April 7th, 2009

The park @ 03:57 pm

Current Location: Somerville, MA
Feeling:: calm calm

Spent an hour outside in the park across the street today...it was nice, being out of the house. Away from the stressful environment from a bit- away from my computer, away from everything that reminds me of my reality..the mess of the apartment, the various unpaid bills sitting around my area, things around my room that just give me anxiety.

So I walked to the Hess down the street, bought myself a coffee, packed myself a sandwich for lunch, and just sat there, playing some Zelda. I contemplated bringing a book, but didn't know which. And I didn't have the ambition to write. So I played my DS for a bit.

It got windy quickly though, so it became a bit too cold for me to sit out there... I'm looking forward to warmer temperatures. I think I'll be seeing more of that park soon.
 

April 2nd, 2009

"I don't know how it got this way, I know its not alright..." @ 08:11 pm

Current Location: Somerville, MA
Feeling:: calm calm
Listening To:: Linkin Park- Breaking the Habit

"..so I'm breaking the habit tonight."

Okay so. My life has been a bit all over the place lately. I've been crazy- I've been depressed. I've been manic. I've let myself slip into this state of...I don't even know. But it hasn't been alright.

I lost my job two months ago. I think that's what finally made me go batshit crazy. I started looking at things unrealistically. No money, nothing. Ryan started becoming busy with school. So I didn't even have him really to fall back on. I suck at communication, I'm horrible with relaying my feelings to others.

Most of all? I'm not myself. I've stopped doing what I enjoy. I've stopped doing things for ME. Caring about ME. I need to stop living for others..and start living for myself.

I applied to camp the other day, and I felt *really* good about it. I may or may not actually get in, we'll see. But the fact that I actually followed through with something made me feel great. If I get in, its three weeks away from this... artificial life I've created for myself. And its three weeks of learning how to take care of myself and my disease again.

I applied for unemployment today. It was hard for me...I've never felt so helpless in my entire life. I hate the fact that I have to ask other people for money...without physically working for it. But I've been trying to find a new job SO much, and Im just getting nowhere. I've been told that I deserve a bit of help. Are the right? Maybe. I just want to leave this city, so I have a chance of working a real job again. Or maybe going to school. We'll see.

I'm going to start writing again. Its always been a very therapeutic practice for me. Writing down my feelings when I feel them used to calm me; writing stories, songs, poems..things I used to do, that I just let slip from my existence.

I'm going to amend some relationships that need fixing. Part of my craziness has been me being spiteful towards people that don't deserve it. And not giving people a chance.

I'm going to start practicing again. And studying again. I miss music, like you wouldn't believe. Its another thing I've kind of lost..

And lastly? I'm going to start playing other games. Im not giving up WoW, by any means. But I've sort of forgotten that I DO play other games. I've been playing Quake Live, which reminded me that I love to frag. I started Fallout 3 today. Its a nice change.

I know I'm not going to feel amazing everyday. This is going to be a long process. Some things will come easier than others. But I think I've finally stepped back enough to realize that I need to find myself again. And that not everyone and everything is out to get me.
 

March 7th, 2009

One year. @ 03:38 pm

Feeling:: peaceful peaceful

So yesterday marked one year. March 6, 2008, an amazing man passed away to Colon Cancer. He was an idol to my community- an amazing musician, teacher, and father.

Everyone in our town knew him- everyone in the whole area did. They knew him as caring, passionate about his career and life, and never sweat the small stuff.

Even during his 1.5 year fight, he never gave up. Always saw the positive side of things.

I wish I could be more like him. Always giving off the attitude that in the end, things would work out.

I miss him everyday- I only wish he could be there when I finally walk down the aisle, when I finally get that diploma for my dream job. I'm the only one out of the 4 of us to be just like him. He was always proud of that fact.

I was sad for a moment yesterday while I thought about how its been a long year. And yet, it feels like it was just yesterday...

I love you and miss you.

My hero. My father.
 

February 20th, 2009

Camp Carefree @ 05:16 am

When I was first diagnosed with Diabetes, I was 11. I knew nothing about what I was about to get into...I knew nobody with this disease. The only thing I knew about it was from reading The Babysitter's Club books...ironically, the character with Diabetes was also my favourite. So...I knew a little bit about the disease. I even suspected a month or so prior to my diagnosis that perhaps maybe I was.

Now, I was diagnosed on July 24, 1996. 10 days after my birthday. And right before 6th grade. My new doctor told me about this camp...Camp Carefree. Unfortunatley the deadline to get in had long since past. But she gave my mother and I the information on how to apply for the next year.

Shortly after I turned 12, and a year after having Diabetes, I finally got to go to camp. It sounds dorky...but that camp was one of the most amazing things I've ever done. I went up until I was 15 as a camper, and then returned as a CIT when I was 16. The experience of being around 100+ people...that are all like you...is amazing. You feel like you belong. You feel like people understand. It feels like home.

Every year, I check up on the dates of this camp. This year, the dates are from July 26th through August 12th... I'm currently unemployed..and I don't have any other prior plans during this time period. So I requested information on the Counselor positions.

I would love more than anything to go back to this place. Not only would it be a blast from the past...it would be like returning home. I miss that place more than I've ever missed anything before. Although I only spent two weeks a year there..I've felt more in my place there than I have anywhere else...

Now, saying I get this position...it would be rough for me. Three weeks away from Ryan. Hardly any internet access (I'd bring my laptop, but I doubt I'd be able to be on for more than a few minutes during break times, just to shoot out an email or a hello on AIM). I couldn't keep my phone on me to text my friends and family, except a few night time hellos. Phone calls perhaps on my nights off.

After being attached to such a Technological lifestyle for so long...it would be a very hard, but rewarding three weeks. I'd have to resort to hand written letters to and from my closest friends and family.

But I want to go back there. So badly...